The controversy of LIFE

Saturday I spoke at an event in my hometown, Holland Michigan that was sponsored by the Right to Life of Holland and coincided with the 48th anniversary of the Supreme Court ruling on Roe Vs Wade. It began with a walk around Centennial Park and culminated at Central Avenue Church. 

Whether you’re pro-choice or pro-life you most likely have been affected directly or indirectly by this ruling - arguably one of the most controversial rulings in the history of our nation. Many are afraid to even broach the topic in conversation for fear of it escalating into a heated debate. Debates that rarely, if ever, change anyone’s position. 

I have been on both sides of these debates. In my youth I was pro-choice and exercised that choice. Well not exactly, as it wasn’t technically my choice. I should say, I exercised my influence to convince my girlfriend to abort our baby. Which, I didn’t view as a life (at that time in my life). She eventually succumbed to my pleading and scheduled the abortion. To my shame, I ignored her desires to have our child. 

 I have since changed my position and today I believe life starts at conception. The journey that led to my changed position is what I spoke about at this Right to Life event.  I approach this topic from a position of grace and understanding, not from a dogmatic position. Afterall I took a pro-choice stance for a number of years.  However, my position changed, but it had nothing to do with intellectual debate, scientific evidence, or even persuasive argument. It was a heart change brought on by personal spiritual events. Honestly, these were unwelcomed yet undeniable happenings that continued over the course of many years despite my efforts to sidestep and evade them. My head-in-the-sand posture eventually gave way to facing some hard truths. Today I understand both sides as I have lived both sides. If you’re up for it, below is my story. Just know, there is no judgement here, just telling my story.  It’s a story that I hope will prompt you to pray for revelation and confirmation of your position wherever you stand on this debate. 

My Selfish Life | Life, Grace and healing 

[Excerpts from Chapters 13/14 of Resolve]  

We were turning right onto Benjamin Avenue when I heard those life-altering words: “I’m pregnant!” Her words reverberated in my head along with the consequences they would have for my life.

My life. My life was all I cared about. I was unable or unwilling to consider anyone else, not even the child—my child—that was rapidly growing, hidden away yet openly visible to God. My mind raced toward what all this meant for my life. I was seventeen; I thrived on my freedom, popularity, and dreams for my future. So often we live as if consequences don’t exist, until they do. 

Blinded by selfishness, and thinking only about how to fix the situation for myself. The year was 1977, four years since the landmark Roe v. Wade decision. The woman at the abortion clinic was so kind and reassuring as she walked me through the process of aborting this pregnancy. She calmed my fear and anxiety. All the consequences I was obsessing over would simply go away. All that was left was to convince Ann this was our only logical option, but Ann didn’t agree - she wanted this child!

To my shame, in time, I was able to wear her down. She reluctantly went ahead with my wishes to abort our child. I only felt relief when it was over, remorse wouldn’t come until later, much later. 

Seven years after the abortion, I had my college degree and was working in my career. I was single and living alone in my own apartment. On this particular weekday morning, I woke to what I thought was a dream of a child crying. To my surprise, the crying didn’t go away as I moved around the apartment, or even when I went to work and attempted to busy myself in the studio - I heard the unceasing cry. I remember a sense of knowing this cry was the cry of my child. I felt it to my core. 

On my way out to lunch that day, I grabbed my Bible from my desk and headed off to Mr. Burger. As I sat in the booth, I prayed, “Lord, if this is your hand, reveal yourself to me.” I took my Bible, opened it randomly, put my finger down on a verse, and began to read these words...

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Ps. 139:13–16)

I closed my Bible, stunned—the hand of God had so overtly answered my prayer to reveal himself. Yet I didn’t know what to do with this experience, and to be honest, I was still afraid, still wanting it to go away. I told myself this was just between me and God and moved forward with my life. My secret remained tucked away, even from my wife. One evening, several years later, I sat in a chair in the living room of our home in Rockford, Michigan with my friend, Kevin. For whatever reason, I felt compelled to tell him my story. I shared all of it - Ann, the baby, the years of secrecy, my experience in Mr. Burger. Then I reenacted putting my finger on the verses in Psalm and my finger fell on the same verses again! The next morning Chris turned on some soft music to comfort our sick son; it was Psalm 139 put to music and when she returned from church she informed me that it was National Right to Life Day. The “coincidences” were mounting. That evening I went to church and heard the speaker from the Women’s Center in Grand Rapids. I made my way up to her after the service to introduce myself and ask if she would be willing to meet with me sometime. 

The next morning I sat in her office. I told her my story and all of the supernatural events that led to me sitting in her office. She said, I was dealing with post-abortion trauma. She was most interested in my healing and restoration. She proceeded to list the next steps I needed to take, the first of which was to tell my wife, and the second, to find Ann and apologize to her in person. I had hidden this for so long from so many, and now the time had come—long overdue actually—for me to face the consequences head-on.   

I told Chris after her night shift at the hospital. I only made it halfway before I began to weep. I was so sorry on so many levels. As I wept, she gently put her hands on my shoulders and let me know she forgave me. We cried together that night. The healing had finally begun.

Eventually I was able to track down Ann. Our time together was uneventful, with coldness in the air I made my apology. 

Several months had passed since my time with Ann and honestly I thought the process was done as I had experienced God’s forgiveness and grace – but not yet. I was driving down the road on a sunny afternoon and was suddenly hit with a wave of grief like nothing I had experienced before. I wept to the point I could not drive, so I pulled over to the side of the road and cried uncontrollably. God spoke to me in that moment, not in an audible voice, but in my heart: “Feel what I felt. Grieve like I grieved when you ended this life.” Those words—words I will never forget—sunk deep into me that afternoon. They have reverberated throughout my life for twenty-two years now. For I know how much my God cares, how much he grieves for the helpless and hurting, including a tiny unborn child whose life was prematurely extinguished. He cares deeply, and at times he calls us into those depths with him, to feel the pain and to move toward others who are in pain, offering grace, love, and forgiveness. Offering us restoration. 

While I have lived into forgiveness and grace, regret and sorrow will never be fully expunged from my experience. 

God cares about restoration and closure. He patiently walks alongside us, slowly revealing the path that leads his children into healing. See 2 Cor 13:11